


The Bakery

by Aylaar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A lot of weed, Bad Girls - Freeform, Baker Draco Malfoy, Completed, Crack, Draco bakes, Drinking, Drugs, Figaro the cat is the cutest, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Food, Friendship, Gift Fic, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Harry is a layabout, Harry is an actual stoner, He has a cat, M/M, NCIS - Freeform, Not Epilogue Compliant, Oneshot, References to Drugs, Smoking, Stoner Draco Malfoy, Stoner Harry Potter, TV references, Television Watching, binges, cats everywhere, grimmauld, relationship, silly fic, sort of crack, sweet treats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22580662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aylaar/pseuds/Aylaar
Summary: Everyone expected him to join up with the Aurors and be a good little golden boy, fighting dark wizards with Hermione and Ron. What he’d actually done was become the Wizarding World’s most useless occupant. Instead of joining the Aurors, Harry decided that the best thing to do would be to smoke a metric ton of weed, sit around in his underpants in Grimmauld Place and watch Fairly Odd Parents and Spongebob Squarepants.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 11
Kudos: 103





	The Bakery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BlackAngelSpade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackAngelSpade/gifts).



> Hey guys! I'm back with another oneshot. This one is a gift fic for my favourite best friend in the world Mirbear. @BlackAngelSpade.
> 
> I love you Mirbear! <3

After the war, Harry hadn’t returned to Hogwarts for his eighth year. Everyone expected him to join up with the Aurors and be a good little golden boy, fighting dark wizards with Hermione and Ron. What he’d actually done was become the Wizarding World’s most useless occupant. Instead of joining the Aurors, Harry decided that the best thing to do would be to smoke a metric ton of weed, sit around in his underpants in Grimmauld Place and watch Fairly Odd Parents and Spongebob Squarepants.

I mean, that was acceptable, right? Unfortunately Hermione and Ron did not agree. Whenever they’d visit they’d comment on the sweet smell in the air, or the takeaway boxes on his coffee table. Or the fact that Harry had consumed eight cans of monster that day so he could watch the last episodes of Bad Girls, which in Harry’s opinion was a _quality_ tv show. I mean, some of the women in prison were tough, others weak. The cases were different. This escalated until Harry also became rapidly obsessed with N.C.I.S. he decided that Gibbs was Dumbledore and he was clearly DiNozzo. He was hilarious.

He was sat slouched on his worn out sofa in the middle of the living room of Grimmauld, staring at the enormous tv he had mounted onto the wall, which was actually the only renovation he’d done to the entire house. The house didn’t seem to like a muggle contraption screwed to it’s walls, Harry had been so stoned one day he shouted up to the house ‘If you want me to leave, I’ll leave but nobody will be inside you ever again!’ to which he then burst into fits of laughter. 

Harry reached over to the arm of the sofa to retrieve his grinder, he inspected it, pulling the lid off the top. He realised he didn’t have any weed left and groaned. “Fuck!” he shouted into nothing, he knew if he didn’t get up now his weed guy wouldn’t be available, but he couldn’t really be bothered. Instead, he hooked a doughnut off the coffee table with his big toe and brought it up to his hand. “Come to daddy, little sprinkle,” he whispered. Harry had discovered the most amazing bakery known to man during his adventures. Well, it wasn’t an adventure per say, more like a trek to buy wotsits and pringles, but hey, Harry already had enough adventure in his life.

He began to munch on the doughnut, humming happily. The bakery was the most fantastic place he’d ever been, they had chocolate croissants, brioche, cupcakes, cakes, doughnuts, sweet rolls, everything he could ever care about. Including, treacle tart. The woman that stood behind the counter always greeted him happily, but he was yet to meet the divine person that baked all his favourite things. Harry didn’t really have a sweet tooth before he spent most of his time getting high, but he did laugh the first time he connected that he was baked and he liked baked goods. 

Leaning forwards, Harry groaned again as he was met with an empty box. He had no weed, no food, nothing. He let out a sigh. “I guess I’ll have to move, eh Figaro?” he mumbled, head turning towards the cutest tortoiseshell cat he’d ever laid eyes on. He’d passed by an animal shelter on his way to meet the weed guy when he’d heard someone talking about how cute a cat was. He’d entered the building and immediately spotted said cute cat. Well he wasn’t sure if it was the _same_ cute cat, but he wanted this one nonetheless.

He’d taken the cat home, given it some milk, chatted to it happily and even missed meeting the weed guy because he was so enthusiastic about the new arrival of this purring bundle of otherworldly cuteness. Figaro looked up at him with an unimpressed look, meowed and closed his eyes. Harry had named him Figaro after watching Pinocchio whilst extremely stoned, he’d walked around his living room for twenty minutes singing in the worst mock opera voice ever “FIGAROooOO!” the poor cat had run away upstairs, he sounded so awful.

“You coming with me?” Harry asked, still looking at the bundle of cat laying next to him. After receiving no response, not even a meow Harry stood up and sighed. “Fair enough, I’ll bring you back some of those cheese munchie things you like.” he gave Figaro a quick stroke before he grabbed his wallet, keys and a pre rolled spliff off the coffee table.

“Shit, when did I roll you little beauty?” he asked, inspecting the spliff in question. “Excellently rolled, good balance, smells divine, you’re the whole package aren’t you?” he gave the spliff a wink before sticking the roached end in to his mouth. “Oh it’s a wonderful day for croissants,” he sung happily, lighting his spliff and wandering out the front door. He had no idea why he brought his keys, he always forgot to lock the bloody door.

*****

Unfortunately, Samantha was off sick today so Draco had to man the til to his little Bakery. When he’d finished eighth year, Draco had immediately used some of the money in his vault to buy himself a little bakery in Diagon Alley. He hadn’t been very inventive with the name because it was literally called The Bakery, but the food spoke for itself. Apparently, people came from far and wide to taste his wares.

Draco had laughed about that the first time Samantha said it. He’d joked he wished someone would taste his wares, he was gasping for a good shag. She’d slapped his arm and shooed him away. Draco didn’t have the customer service skills Samantha did, he loved her to bits. She was kind, hilarious and ridiculously gay so she had absolutely no interest in him. Well, Draco was also ridiculously gay, but still.

He served a few customers and looked down at the remaining croissants, there were only three of them and he really fancied eating one of them. He hummed, on the one hand it would add extra layers to his body, on the other hand they were absolutely delicious.

He picked the croissant up, inspecting it. It was a chocolate one and he was hungry. All of a sudden the door flew open and he locked eyes with Harry Potter. “Hands off that croissant Malfoy, that is mine!” the dark haired man exclaimed, walking towards the counter.

Draco sniffed, curling his lip up at the sweet aroma coming off Harry Potter. He’d not seen him for at least a year, he assumed he was off doing saviour things - he didn’t expect the man to stink like _this_ “Potter!” he shouted accusingly, eyeing him with suspicion.

“What are you doing in my bakery?” he asked, squinting his eyes at the man. “Your bakery? This is my bakery, I come here every day. Where’s my food dealer?” he asked, trying his best to glare at Malfoy, but the squinty, suspicious look on Malfoy’s face caused him to break into laughter. “M-M-Malfoy,” he began, unable to speak between laughter. “Wh-What are you doing..” he trailed off, coughing and spluttering. “What are you doing with your faccee?” he put his hand over his mouth to cover his wide grin. 

Draco raised an eyebrow, he could barely believe the sight in front of him. Harry Potter was absolutely stoned out of his brains, laughing to just about pissing himself in the middle of his bakery at 3pm. He was also wearing the dirtiest looking t-shirt Draco had ever seen and a pair of jeans that had seen better days. Potter’s hair was a lot longer, sitting on his shoulders. 

“Are you stoned, Potter?” Draco asked accusingly, shaking his head in dismay. “No! That’s illegal that, not me, nope, never.” Harry grinned. He began to eye up all the different treats available. There was some cupcakes, vanilla and chocolate. Harry’s mouth watered.

“I’ll take like, everything you have left please, kind Sir Malfoy.” Harry stated, gesturing his hand at the entire display unit. Draco spluttered. “The entire, Potter what the fuc-” he cleared his throat. “Potter, what are you going to do with seventeen cupcakes, twelve doughnuts, nine treacle tarts, three croissants, eleven marshmallow crispies and an entire carrot cake?” 

“Eat them, what else would you do with them?” asked Harry sheepishly. Draco slapped his hand to his head. “Right, of course, silly me.” Harry watched as Draco began to bag them up, he raised his head every time he bagged another treat, just incase Harry had changed his mind. Harry began to browse, his eyes resting on a refrigerator. Inside, a can of whipped cream sat. Well, several actually.

“Ooh, I’ll take two of these too, I like cream,” Harry commented, opening the door to the fridge. He pulled two cans out and closed the door behind him, setting them down on the counter in front. Draco eyed them for a moment, then shook his head disbelieving.

“Potter, what do you need..” he trailed off, thinking better of it. “I am going to spray cream on all of it and eat it.” Harry winked. Draco blushed a little and nodded. “Sounds nice..” he felt a little awkward, mostly because even stoned scruffy Potter was still the best looking bloke Draco had laid eyes on in years.

“Or I could lick it off my lover.” Harry said matter-of-factly. Draco choked. “What?!” Harry shrugged his shoulders. He watched as Draco placed yet another cupcake into a cardboard box. They were very well presented. “I mean, if I had one of course.” he mumbled, rolling his eyes. “Nobody wants to get stoned with me, do you want to get stoned with me Malfoy?” he asked. Draco eyed him, trying to figure out if Harry was taking the piss or not. “Uh, I’ve never done that before,” admitted Draco, his blush deepening.

“Well, I bought all your stock so you could close up and come get stoned and eat food with me.” offered Harry, giving him a wink. “Maybe I’ll lick that whipped cream off you.” Draco narrowed his eyes. “Are you fucking with me?” Draco asked, placing his hands on his hips.

Harry blinked. When the fuck did Malfoy get this hot? Or this sassy? The whole pose went straight to his cock. “Uh, no but I’d like to.” 

Draco’s eyes widened, he ducked his head down and finished off packing up the remaining items. “That will be…” he looked over at his till and squinted, realising he’d forgotten to actually tally it all up. “Oh shitting fuck, Merlin.” Draco breathed, shaking his head. “You’re really bad at this,” Harry commented, looking around the shop with interest. Usually after he’d just been to the weed guy Harry would run in and buy a load of random stuff quickly, exchange pleasantries with Samantha and exit quickly.

He had important stuff to do, like watch television, eat donuts and talk to Figaro, of course. He didn’t realise Draco owned The Bakery, nor did he realise how ridiculously fit Draco was. Well, he couldn’t because he was always in Grimmauld but maybe someone would’ve told him.

Draco stood looking at Harry for a few moments, realising the man had zoned out pretty well. He waved his hand in front of Harry’s face and tsked, shaking his head. “It’s 118 galleons.” he mumbled.

“Oh right, yes, of course.” Harry nodded, he handed over his wallet to Draco and smiled. Draco frowned at the black and white checkered wallet, it had a logo on it that said ‘Vans’ Draco shrugged his shoulders and opened the wallet, frowning. “Potter, did you really just hand me a wallet that accesses your entire vault at Gringotts?” he said slowly, his eyes raising to Harry’s face.

“Er, yes?” Harry frowned. “I mean, you’re hardly going to steal my money.” he laughed, throwing his head back. His hair flowed down his back, it made Draco blush again. Bloody hell, he felt like a teenager again eyeing Harry Potter up from the Slytherin table. Who the bloody hell would give someone access to their entire vault? Clearly Potter was insane.

“Fine, I’ll go get stoned with you, but don’t give me your wallet again you pleb.” Draco pulled out the necessary galleons and deposited them into the till, handing Harry a receipt and his wallet back. “I need to lock up, so wait here,” he ordered. Harry shrugged his shoulders.

Ten minutes later, Draco returned wearing a casual pair of black jeans and a white button up shirt. He looked like he’d brushed his hair too. Harry nodded his head appreciatively. “Nice, nice,” he commented. Draco blushed again. 

“Fuck sake Potter lets just go,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. Draco’s hair was about the same length as Potters, which was a little unsettling. “You er, where do you live?” asked Draco, he opened the front door to The Bakery and walked outside, biting his lower lip.

Harry followed him out with his massive bag of treats and shrugged his shoulders. “12 Grimmauld Place, it’s a house, I have a cat.” he stated. Draco locked the door to The Bakery and cast a few locking charms on the door, before he turned to the dark haired wizard. “I know that place,” he nodded.

****

About thirty minutes later, after Harry had decided to walk in absolutely no useful direction for a while, Draco had finally suggested he side-along the both of them. Harry had slapped his forehead and stated that he forgot he was a wizard. Draco had no idea what he was getting himself into, but he wasn’t about to let an opportunity like this go to waste. They arrived in the living room of Grimmauld. The stench of food and weed hit Draco’s nose immediately, he groaned.

“Merlin, Potter.” he said, shaking his head. “Your place smells like a nuns arsehole.” Harry let out a bark of laughter. “How do you know what a nuns arsehole smells like, Malfoy?” he retorted, putting down the bag of food on the coffee table. He then pulled out a massive bag of weed and threw it down on the coffee table too.

“How much of that did you buy?” asked Draco, he sat down on the right hand side of Harry’s sofa, intentionally avoiding the nuns arsehole comment. He didn’t want to explain to a stoned Harry Potter he was using an expression. He figured it would turn into an all night discussion about nuns and their arseholes. Blaise often got stoned, so Draco had experience with others. He wondered idly if he’d ever been passively stoned. Blaise had once told him it was possible. 

“Err, five ounces. It’ll last a while.” Harry shrugged, flopping down on to the sofa beside Draco. Harry grabbed the bag of weed and pulled out a small clear plastic container. Draco frowned, he’d never actually watched the weed stick making process. “What are you doing?” Draco asked, watching him with interest.

“Skinning up, gotta grind it up first though.” Harry shrugged. He began what Draco described as the weed stick making process. It looked a bit like herbology. It was certainly intriguing. 

“I see.” said Draco, who leant back into the comfortable sofa. He took in his surroundings, eyes resting on the giant television hanging on the wall, he frowned.

Harry let out a laugh as he caught Draco’s eye, he lit up the finished product and took a long drag. “What do you wanna watch?” Harry asked, taking another before passing the spliff to Draco. 

Draco inspected the ‘weed stick’ in his hand, Harry quickly explained you suck on it but try not to die. Draco finally decided what the hell and copied Harry’s movements, he coughed a little but looked impressed. Harry nodded his head in approval. “Not bad!”

Draco grinned at the praise and pointed at his radio. “Can we listen to music?” he asked, giving Harry a shy smile. Harry laughed and walked over to it, he picked up a small rectangular item and began pressing buttons on it. Draco raised an eyebrow.

“iPod, better music. You’ll like this one” Harry smiled. Draco took several more drags of the spliff and handed it back to Harry, who commented it hadn’t gone out which he was impressed about. Sometimes Harry would be so incredibly stoned his spliff would go out and he’d have to actually move his arse to find a lighter, the one time he’d tried to use Indencio he’d burnt his eyebrows off. It hurt, but he laughed for thirty minutes about it. Harry laughed about quite a lot. All of it is not really funny to anyone else, their loss.

The music began to play and Harry started doing some sort of goofy dance, wiggling around the coffee table. Draco began to laugh and shook his head. “Your dancing is atrocious.” he smirked, standing up. _‘I woke up with a strange tattoo, not sure how I got it, not a dollar in my pocket and it kinda looks just like you…’_ the iPod sung out. He didn’t want to admit it, but Harry’s little rectangular muggle thing was decent.

Draco laughed again, he then joined in with the dancing jumping up and down gracelessly, they danced around the coffee table pounding their fists into the air. After the next nine songs finished, they fell on to the sofa - Harry panting breathlessly and Draco giggling into a cushion. “You’re utterly ridiculous, you know that right?” he said, muffled by the pillow. Harry grinned. “Maybe, but it’s fun, right?” he mimicked Draco, which made the blond laugh harder. 

“Right, I have to show you this program I found it’s great.” Harry stated, he grabbed the remote off the side arm of the sofa and pressed the red button at the top. Draco turned his head, watching him with interest. “Muggles are weird, they’re so technical, it’s nearly magic.” he sighed wistfully. Harry raised an eyebrow and smiled. “I suppose they are, yeah” 

“I wonder what muggle made this box, they had to be a very clever muggle.” Draco smiled. Harry let out a snort and shook his head “You’re hella stoned, Malfoy.” Draco’s smile turned into a grin and a nod. “That I am, Pottykins, that I am.”

Looking through his recordings, Harry found Spongebob Squarepants and decided on the Band Geeks episode. He thought Draco would appreciate that one. When it began to play, he leant in to the back of the sofa, immediately, he felt Draco shift beside him and rest his head on Harry’s shoulder. Figaro jumped up on the sofa and onto Harry’s lap.

“Oh this is your cat?” asked Draco, who scanned the cute tortoiseshell cat, he then held his hand out and Figaro rubbed his head against Draco’s fingers. The blond smiled, not a lot of pets actually liked him - it helped Harry’s cat was adorable. 

“Hello cute cat, what’s your name?” Draco asked, stroking behind Figaro’s ears. The cat purred, which made Draco happier and happier. He had no idea why, but this cat was important Draco concluded. Very important.

“He’s called Figaro” Harry grinned, he was impressed with how quickly Figaro had accepted Draco, when Ron had first met the cat he hissed at him, Ron ran straight out the front door and exclaimed he didn’t want any more Crookshanks type incidents. Eventually Figaro had warmed to him but it hadn’t really been a solid relationship.

“Figaro, that’s a solid name.” Draco nodded in appreciation, Figaro moved on to Draco’s lap instead, preening against his leg. Draco grinned and leaned forwards, giving the cat a hug. “I love your pussy, Potter.”

Harry looked at him for a moment, before he burst into laughter. “I only have a dick, Malfoy,” he spluttered, between laughter. “Sorry if you’re disappointed.” Draco looked at him, realised what he said and blushed scarlet. “I didn’t mean, oh Merlin…” he rubbed his forehead and sighed. “I don’t like women, I’m super duper gay, Potter.” 

Harry made a squeak noise, clamping his mouth shut. Draco raised an eyebrow and put a hand on his hip. “Do you have something to say, Potter?” he brushed a strand of hair off his face and glared up at Potter, who was blushing hard. “No-o” Harry choked, clearing his throat he narrowed his eyes and let out a sigh. “I mean, you own a bakery and you look like _that_ ” Harry stated, gesturing towards Draco’s general direction.

“I look like what?” Draco frowned, looking at his clothes. His black jeans weren’t very snazzy, neither his white shirt. Harry sighed. “You look hot, Malfoy, I’m what is it you said? Super duper gay too.” Harry looked a little uncomfortable, but nonetheless Draco exhaled, patting Harry’s thigh with his hand. “Oh, thanks…” he scratched the side of his head and nodded. 

“I mean you could do with a bath, but you’re alright too Potter.” mumbled Malfoy, who looked up at the television just as a box shaped yellow man started to speak. “What is this?”

Harry let the bath comment go, though he could agree he smelt like a witches tit. Not that he knew what a witches tit smelt like. “It’s Spongebob.” Draco pursed his lips, nodding his head. “Alright, I’ll give it a go.”

They continued to watch fifteen more episodes of Spongebob, Draco had enjoyed the little yellow sponge so much he’d asked several questions about the program. Draco seemed to take a lot of interest in Gary the snail, which amused Harry to no end. ‘What does Gary do when Spongebob goes to work?’ so Harry had shown him the episode where Gary watches television. ‘How does that work under the sea?’ Harry had to admit, spending the day with Malfoy had been the best day he’d had in years. 

*****

Over the next few months, Harry ventured to The Bakery far more times than he’d care to admit. He often asked Samantha where Draco was, until he just walked through to the back. Sometimes he’d sit on a little bench and watch Draco bake, he’d make him all sorts of different sweet treats, he’d test some of them out and he even came up with new concoctions for him to sell. They spent the majority of their time together and Harry found he was more than happy to be with the other man. 

What he had developed, however, was a very strong infatuation for the blond. He found himself daydreaming in his stoned stupor of what their life would be like together. He often imagined Draco baking in his kitchen, lazy nights watching the television, he’d learn to bake so he could help Draco in The Bakery, they’d adopt three more cats together. It was a silly pipe dream, but he wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life. As each passing day went by, he fell more and more in love with the man.

One night, whilst sitting on his couch - he’d convinced Draco to watch Bad Girls with him, of course he’d gotten completely hooked and Harry had to watch it from the first episode again, which he really didn’t mind but he whined nonetheless, he turned to Draco and smiled. “Have you ever fallen in love?” he asked, he wasn’t quite sure why he’d asked, it was a combination of the apple Sourz he’d bought from the co-op down the road and the weed, probably.

Draco turned his head to Harry, a blush staining his cheeks. “What?” he replied, frowning. Harry wasn’t quite sure what the reaction was he was observing. Draco looked both horrendously embarrassed and very shy at the same time. Harry laughed a little and put on his best Draco impression “Oh, Malfoy that was _eloquent_ ” Draco just scowled in response.

“Have you ever fallen in love?” he repeated finally, shaking his head. Draco bit his lip and thought for a moment, then nodded his head. “Yes.” he replied simply, turning his head towards the television screen once again.

“Oh.” Harry said, frowning. He wondered who Draco had fallen in love with, they’d discussed in detail the state of their love lifes, if he’d fallen in love with someone surely Harry would’ve known about it? “Who?” he asked, looking back at the television also.

Draco was silent for a few moments, not taking his eyes off the television screen for a second. He then sighed and clenched his fists together. Mustering up enough courage as he could, he turned his head and willed himself to speak.

“You, you idiot.” he said quietly, so quietly he wasn’t sure if Harry had even heard him. But low and behold, the other man let out the most inelegant squeak Draco had ever heard in his life.

“Really?” Harry said, his face splitting into the most shit eating grin Draco had ever seen in his life. He blushed scarlet and ducked his head down. “Yes, shut up.” he mumbled, pulling his legs up to his chest. Harry scooted closer to Draco and threw his arms around the other man, catching him off guard. “Awesome.” he whispered into Draco’s ear. “I love you too.” 

Draco, completely stunned, looked at him as though he had just grown two extra heads. “Wow.” he breathed.

*****

After that night, Harry explained to Draco about his stoned pipe dream of them spending their life together. Draco had barked with laughter and shook his head, explaining that Harry was absolutely atrocious at cooking and he’d never let him near his Bakery in that respect, but he would be great at customer service along with Samantha. So Harry had taken a job at The Bakery, which they’d renamed together ‘Let’s Get Baked’ 

They did, infact, adopt three more cats. Draco had moved into Grimmauld and gave it a complete overhaul. The house never looked better. Of course, their friends weren’t entirely surprised they’d fallen in love, they were quick to tease about their mutual obsessions with one another.

But together, they lived with an enormous amount of weed, four cats; Figaro, Chewie who was Draco’s absolute favourite cat in the world, Yunie, named after Harry’s favourite video game Final Fantasy and Beans. Luna had named Beans, he was a bit of a chonker of a cat that seemed to enjoy licking the tomato sauce out of baked beans, Chewie liked to hide a lot, she was even cuter than Figaro and Yunie was a very cuddly cat.

Harry announced to all of his friends that getting stoned really was a _productive_ way of fulfilling one's life. He wasn’t wrong.


End file.
